I just finished watching all of Babylon 5. Five seasons over five weeks. And, while I was blubbering over the very last episode I realised something. Of all the sci fi stuff I’ve been watching lately, B5 is the closest to what I want for the Time Speaker universe. Not necessarily in measurable or directly comparable things, but in the effect it has on people.
The intention isn’t just fame and a fun universe within which I can prance around and have a play (though, those are definitely part of my intentions. I want to make something that encourages people to care about something other than themselves. I want people to ball their eyes out when certain characters die, when certain characters go through a painful transformation. I want to make something that brings out deep emotion in others. Like a myth. I want the Time Speaker universe to join in on the modern myths. The stories that matter to people, the stories that bring in new ideas and new ways of thinking and comparing in the world. I want it to be used to launch new growth, other people’s careers, new ways of being and thinking. If I can I want to help people in real ways, whether indirectly through people participating in the universe and making money, or directly with all my projects I’m going to initiate once the money starts rolling in.
I know the odds against me a high, but the thing people who say that I don’t have chance don’t know, is that I will not give up. And because I will not give up I will keep going. Even if all that I’ve done does nothing until I’m dead, those are my goals. And the secret is I’ve seen the future in my dreams, I’ve seen it for over fifteen years. I’m not claiming to know everything or even anything of importance in the world, but the vision of this project is so clear and so strong inside me that I think I’m one of those self-fulling prophecies – it will happen because I’ll make it happen because the vision is so strong I can do nothing else but push out towards making it real.
As the last quote in the first page of the books says, neither the vision nor the event causes the event or the vision, because the two are not separate, they are part of the same event.
I’m really scared. I’m scared I’ll fail and my life will be over. But I’m also scared that I’ll succeed. My vision is so clear and it’s huge. It’s massive. If it comes to pass. If make it happen out of shear will, am I a good enough person to keep it from going to my head? Is my inner voice loud and clear enough to remain myself and to handle the “fame” that could be coming? Or. Or am I subconsciously an ego maniac to think such wonders could happen in my life? Is it bad that a loud voice inside me says clearly and loudly that it is not self delusion, that I can do this and that I WILL do this.
I want to leave this world a better place. I want to leave my mark. I want to show people that no matter what it is that keeps a person trapped in their life, that they have the ability and the resources to get out of that trap. I want to reach out and free people of the traps and desolation they find themselves in, but I don’t want to do it for them, I want to give them the opportunity… kind of supply the ladder down the hole that they themselves have to climb up. I want to give people that no one else things has a hope in hell, a hope and the truth that they can get out of their situation. I want to facilitate other people going for their dreams.
I know it all sounds a bit big and airy fairy.. I mean, it’s just a fictional universe. But… you know it’s more than that for me. I wouldn’t be here without this writing. I have no doubt that I would be dead with out the hope that this universe gave me in creating it. And I think with the money and “power” I can get access through with the extensions of this universe, I can do so much good… as well as hopefully tell a damn good story.
But right now at this moment I am desperately lonely.
My best friend is so far away from me. The one person in this world who truly understands me is out of contact – now I wouldn’t change that for the world, she’s doing what she loves and striving towards her goals and every day I’m proud of her for having the courage to go for her dreams. But I do often feel alone and I do miss having someone around who totally gets what I’m trying to do.
I need a partner in crime… well, a second partner in crime… no one could ever replace Wraithy. She’s my soul sister. But I could use someone who loves this story as much as she and I do, someone I can bounce ideas off of, and someone who can really help me with the stuff I find difficult or impossible to do on my own. Spidey has Jesu. Even Heather has her fellow dark jedi friend. Not that many people I know right now could handle who I am behind the masks, apparently I’m scary. I frighten myself sometimes, with my passion, with my drive, with my inability to give up on this dream.. it’s terrifying. Terrifying simply because by all accounts if you never give up on something and you keep working towards it you will get there eventually.
How do I stop being phobic of my own potential success? How do I learn to open up enough to have another partner in crime so that for once I don’t feel so gods damned alone?
I know I’m not alone. I can feel Wraithy, she’s just at my fingertips, always there in the back of my heart and mind. I can feel Spirit and all the ancestor voices. I can feel the real life equivalent of the To’asha song and light in the centre of my soul. I can feel my mum and my brother connected to my heart, and Errol, my oldest friend.. and his damn chickens.. lol. I can feel all those I’ve connected to through the internet and all those I will connect to in the future. I’m not alone, not really. But, even knowing and sensing these things, I still feel very much alone right now and I’m not sure how to remedy it.
I don’t think it’s remotely fair to enter into a romantic relationship right now – it wouldn’t be fair, they would come third or fourth in my priorities.. How do you tell a prospective mate “I’m sorry, not only are you second to my family and my personal well-being, but also my writing”? How is it fair to tell someone that no matter how much I love them, David’s story comes first. I’ve tried in the past to put that out in the open and it was still one of the contributing factors to the dissolution of at least one of my past relationships.
I need to stop now or I’ll go all emo and start whining more… and here I hear Tom Cruise as Lestat: “Luey luey, still whining I see..” Gods I love that line. Well, if anyone’s out there to read, I’m signing off.
And to all those who may read back on this post: <3 Much love and fluffy ducks.. as they say.
Night universe. May my loneliness be eased sometime soon and my dreams begun to realise themselves in financially advantageous ways.
<3